FI moved in with me about a month ago from three hours and a state away and has done most of the updating to his license, registrations, etc, but still says he doesn't quite feel "at home" here yet, like he's still just visiting. This is complicated by the fact that my stuff already takes up 80% of the living space and a lot if his furniture is in storage.
So what do you do when you've moved to a new area to feel like you've made the transition and make a place your own? I'm thinking painting might help, and then suggesting he might like to sign up at the local gym. I just want him to really like it here, since we'll probably be in the area for at least a few years.
can you make room for any of his furniture? a favorite chair or something? pick out a new comforter together? DH had this complaint a lot in our last house, it was my house and he moved in and brought nothing with him (he had nothing to bring though!) we painted the bedroom, picked out new sheets and comforter and got him a big new flat screen<---- I think that was what did it for him lol
When H moved into my condo we combined our furniture. I sold my sofa and love seat and we used his sofa and bought some new pieces. This definitely helped him feel at home. Figure out how to combine your furniture and his.
Post by jennistarr1 on Oct 15, 2013 12:27:37 GMT -5
thinking about the storage...what is the plan there...keep it there until you get a bigger place? My sister has a storage locker and no future really of getting a bigger place so I am trying to encourage her to reevaluate it, sell some stuff ...I have a crawl space in my house and my mom has an attic that could hold a bunch of the stuff in boxes.
Well in general, the things that make a "new" place feel like home to me are new/fresh paint colors, change of flooring, putting up family pictures on walls, "our style" type decorations for tables (TV stands, computer table, bedroom furniture, side and coffee tables), new curtains, new applicances/furniture, and new or comfy pillows and blankets in bed/couch.
When I moved in with DH, it was all his stuff and it never felt like home.
We bought house #1, and got all new furnishings, and it took about a year to truely feel like home.
We moved into house #2 and brought all our old furniture, and it felt like home on day 1.
For us it was the familiarity and comfort of all our old things that made it feel like home. The house was freshly painted, new flooring, newly remodeled, but it was our familiarity with our furniture, etc that made us feel right at home.
Besides the house itself, yes, a gym membership may help lift his spirits. Also, having old friends visit or planning a party would likely help.
I agree with others about making room for more for his stuff - can you swap out any of your furniture to the storage unit? Are you planning on keeping his stuff in storage indefinitely, or are you going to move to a new place together?
Part of feeling at home is just time, but it is even harder that he is moving into your space. You have to find ways for it to feel familiar to him as well.
Have you asked him? Has he specifically said that he feels weird because it's all your stuff? If so, work with him to pull some of his stuff out of storage to replace some of your stuff, or buy some new things together that you both like.
That being said, when MH and I bought our first house, we wound up with a lot of new stuff that we purchased together, yet it still didn't feel like "home" for quite a while. I think we felt better once we got to know the neighborhood a bit (shopping, dining out, walking around the parks, etc.), and once we could get to stores and local attractions without using the GPS.
Post by farfalla2011 on Oct 15, 2013 14:36:11 GMT -5
I would also try and move some of his stuff in even though your stuff fills the place currently. And, if there is any new things you need, make sure you pick it out together. I will say, I moved in with DH a year and a half ago and it's just now feeling like home to me. Most of that is because time has passed, but the majority is because we've finally made joint purchases to fill up the house.
You ladies are right, I know I need to make more room. I'm just so used to everything being "mine," I think I'm having a hard time transitioning myself.
We're working on making room specifically for his giant TV and futon. I hadn't thought about new bedding, mine is rather girly at the moment.
I'm not sure what the long term plan is for the stuff. We'll be in this space for at least a year, maybe longer. Even longer if we decide to go the house route instead of apartment. I agree it's only fair for some of my things to go into storage too, or outright sell some of it.
The good news is his dog has taken to the new place really, really well. The process would be a lot harder if he wasn't.
am I totally misremembering, or are you living with your parents?
definitely make more space for his stuff, but also I'd be prepared that he may always feel somewhat like a visitor in your parents' home. I would just try and use it as extra motivation to maximize savings and make the move earlier.
and sorry if none of this is relevant to you - I might be thinking of another poster.
Post by imojoebunny on Oct 15, 2013 17:19:17 GMT -5
Is he not feeling at home because it is a new space or because he doesn't yet have local friends of his own and places he likes to go? I moved in with DH when we got married, about 30 minutes from where I lived before. I did not feel "at home" the first year, until we moved a mile away because in my previous home, I was very connected to the community, and in his home, despite a lot of attempts. I couldn't even make casual friends with people I enjoyed. I was used to having that network of people I could spend time with for an hour or two after work, and that was gone, and seemingly non-existent in that neighborhood. When we moved all of a mile away, suddenly, it was back again because the neighbors were just different. Then, I felt at home.
When I moved here, I took lots of walks around the neighborhood to help myself get acclimated. I think the gym idea is a good one, too. If he's into fitness, maybe a Meetup group for running/cycling or whatever he likes to do? I would go shopping together for something to make the space yours, even if it's just a small painting, rug or shower curtain. When DH moved in with me, most of the stuff he had was left at his parents' house because I already had an entire hosue full of things. It really helped us to go pick out new furnishings together. I didn't "need" the new stuff, but it made my house feel more like ours.
When I moved into his place, I really never truly felt at home. We tried bringing in my furniture. We bought a new bedroom suite together (that helped, but still wasn't enough). I painted and redecorated. I just never could walk in the door and feel like I was home. Maybe it was because I knew that living there was temporary. Maybe it was because he already had so many memories there and I wasn't a part of those memories. I'm not sure.
We bought a new home together and moved all of our old stuff in. We both instantly felt at home.
Hopefully your fiance's fix will be easier (and cheaper!!) than mine.
It took me 3 years to truly feel at home after H and I got married and I moved into his apt in a city 2.5 hours from my hometown where all my family was. Now I'm settled and happy in our area. We have a church, Bible study group, friends and jobs we both love so I feel connected now. So I guess being connected to people helped me feel at home.
Also, my parents are lending us their first table from when they first married (42 years ago), my desk was my Papa's, our bookshelves were in my bedroom growing up/my sister gave to us and our couch previously belonged to my sister & BIL. Being surrounded by things that belong(ed) to people I love gives a homy feeling to our apt.